June 29, 2010

Recently someone came up to me and asked for advice in regards to making a career in comedy.  First off I have no idea why they wanted to talk to me. My career seems to go from day to day and even hour to hour at times. Game plan? Long term goals? That’s well and good but there’s too many things that can get in your way like a not being able to keep your mouth shut when you should and having a personal opinion that goes against what people really want to hear or worse having an act that no one in the television industry knows what to do with because you can’t or won't carve it up. My advice to anyone who wants to get into the game is don’t do it. Comedy is a cruel bitch that will tickle your sack for twenty minutes telling you you’re the best ever and then forget all about you as soon as you leave the stage. Hence the reason why drug abuse and alcoholism is so rife in the wings and futility will always rule. Sell bad insurance door to door, trade Star Trek toys at conventions, get elected into government anything just don’t think this is the best way to make a living. All that being said for me this has been the easiest job I’ve ever had. Why? Because I’ve had to do real work in the past. Work that requires you to get up at the same time everyday which is always too early and deal with idiots and then go to bed tired. Work where you have to wear gloves and respirators and hard hats and aprons and guns and always be on the lookout for the boss or the police or someone’s husband because you’ve been nailing his wife while he was on parole. For me it’s just too bad I didn’t learn that comedy is no longer the last bastion of freedom of speech and the majority of those working in comedy have no sense of humor me included. Too often comics will say and do anything on or off stage because they think it’s funny rather than shut the hell up because you never know who might be listening especially the one you’re talking to. I’ve now decided to not tell anyone anything unless I was willing to say the same thing in a full page ad in some national paper. Even if you think you’ve said something to someone in confidence you’re fucked so the best thing to do is to treat everything you say about someone or something like you’re telling a racist joke to a black guy. Sure he might laugh but he’ll never look at you the same way again, ever and if he can stick it to you later he will because you deserve it. Why do I think this? Because it’s come to my attention, quite recently, that opinions I’ve had and believed to be right because they’re mine have now come back and bitten me in the ass. Hard. Because I’ve always done my best to treat this like a great job and forgot or ignored that others have gotten into comedy for more than personal glory and fame and any comments made to them regarding what they’ve done they take it like you’ve stabbed their children in the eye with a fork. So watch your back. That offhand altruistic comment you’ve long since forgotten about someone who’s now doing better than anyone could imagine was heard by someone who now has power and now you are fucked. So I’d like to apologize to people like Michael McIntyre and Bill Dare and the guy I pulled the gun on while driving too fast down Interstate 5 south of Portland and all the others. I’m sure I deserved all the shit I got. Will my new attitude save me or help me or reverse the damage I’ve already done? Probably not but at least I don’t drive with my gun any more. That’s something, right? Right?