I’ve been into climbing for over thirty years and there’s a really great moment that rarely happens when you are shit scared. Contrary to popular belief most climbers don’t go looking for these instances and if they do they don’t label it as that butt clinching moment when you’d trade family members to be anywhere else but where you are which is probably about to give a $100 lap dance to Mr. Death. Most climbers, me included, are looking for that point in time where control is down to them and them alone. I was lucky recently to have one of these moments while doing a new rock climb in North Idaho. I found myself a good 40 feet out from a bolt I clipped my rope into and doing the math in my head I realized that if I did come loose from the rock I was going to fall 80 plus feet and crash into the ledge 30 feet below me then road rash my way down the rest of the rock but hopefully come just short of the ground thanks to an attentive belay. The option of retracing my moves and thus decreasing my chances of severe injury was not an option. I’d made some moves up that I had no doubt in my mind were going to be harder to undo than they were to do in the first place. I now had two choices: continue up another 20 feet to where I thought I could see positive holds or freak out and hope gravity would treat me kindly which of course it never does. Gravity doesn’t give a shit about anything. It’s selfish like that. Believe it or not this was exactly why I got into the sport. It was also at this point I was hearing some murmurs from Steve and Joe my two climber friends below me. They later told me they were working out the logistics of the worse case scenario where I fall, get all busted up and one of them does their best to treat my injuries while the other one retraces the two hour bushwhack back to the truck and drives another 45 minutes for help and a possible airlift out. It’s a little game climbers play regarding worse case scenarios and what they’d do if confronted by them. It’s not morose, it’s smart. Best case scenario for them if I do come off is I die. Meanwhile, I wasn’t thinking about any of this. As a matter of fact I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was clearly beyond the point of no return and all the things that were on my mind earlier like career, or lack there in, my family, my debts, health, age, short comings and all the other bullshit that seems really really important all that was nowhere to be found in my immediate conscience and it was fucking fantastic. I didn’t go looking for this moment but here it was. My only concern was to make as many smart moves upward as I needed to to get past where I was at that moment. I knew it was possible I just needed to focus on the moment. Six or eight moves later I was able to calmly reach up and grab a substantial in-cut hold in the rock and pull myself up into a section that offered for more safe choices. I was now more than 50 feet up from the bolt I clipped and I should’ve stopped right then and there and chosen one of the many pieces of rock gear I’d brought with me and placed it into a crack. Clipping the rope into this would’ve made things safer for everyone and I’m sure allowed my climbing partners to breathe a bit easier but above me about 8 feet was a crack I was sure I could get one particular favorite piece of gear in so I decided to go for that. It was easy climbing compared to what I’d just done and once I got that piece in and safely clipped the rope my partners on the ground yelled up some atta boys and promised me the one Blue Moon beer back in the truck.

That was a few weeks ago and lately I’ve been able to draw some parallels between that moment on the rock and where I’m at now. I’m grateful for all the work I have doing shows in the clubs all over the UK and even in places beyond but not including America. However there appears no chance of ever seeing what I do come to light on television. I had a brief moment and now that’s past. I used to think what I needed was to get more of that but I’m beginning to see it not as a step up but like that moment on the rock a few weeks earlier as a step in possibly the wrong direction. I can see what the good folks in programing may or may not be trying to accomplish but I don’t have anything in common with those they’re doing it with. Another thing that seems to be growing in Britain at least is the desire to blow your act out to an hour and tour the living shit out of it. It’s a chance to reach what some might call their fans but in reality it’s a way to make more money than one would in the clubs. I have no problem with this and wouldn’t mind getting some of that road cash as well but the people I pay commission to on occasion don’t feel this would work out in my favor because even though I have enough material if written out would paper a large toilet in a five star hotel no one knows who I am and without that you’re left with empty rooms in such places like Coventry and Preston let alone London. So here I am. I can’t go down where I was but I don’t seem to be able to follow where everyone else seems to be going. Also to let go at this moment and give myself over to gravity would leave just short of homeless. Remember, gravity is more apathetic than the Inland Revenue and the IRS combined. How does that make me feel at this moment? Oddly enough, quite liberated. Lately I’m enjoying for the most part what’s happening on stage and really couldn’t give a rats ring hole who’s watching that might help me later as long as I get to talk about what’s on my mind and portions of the audience are with me. However, if those that watch can help I welcome them. Now, what’s that career hold above me that I’m reaching for? To get one of my feature length screenplays produced. This can’t be safe. How the hell did I get to this point?